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User:Pumpkinking0192/Anime move description edits

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This is a user subpage. You can return to my main user page by clicking here.
Since my recent edits to anime move descriptions have been attracting objections on the grounds of specific diction and choice of detail rather than accuracy or correctness, I'm starting this user subpage to (1) justify my reasoning and (2) provide a talk page for quibbling on minor details without clogging up mainspace articles' talk pages.
Text that has been changed appears in purple. Text that has been moved, but not changed, appears in blue. Text that has been removed appears in cyan. Text that has been added appears in orange. Net increases appear in green. Net decreases appear in red.
My intention is to gradually work my way through all move descriptions to which I have objections, going in order by index number.


Changes made on April 26, 2013

Scratch

Original text Revised text Justification Net change
(in # of characters)
Meowth scratches the opponent with its claws, or Meowth's claws come out of its paw and they glow white. Meowth then scratches the opponent with them. As it scratches, it leaves behind white trails of energy. Meowth scratches the opponent with its claws. Sometimes when it uses this move, its claws glow white and leave behind white trails of energy. I really dislike this whole (description A) or (description B) thing when one or both descriptions consist of multiple sentences. 208 -> 141 = -67
Chimchar scratches the opponent with its fingers. It leaves behind white trails where it scratched. Chimchar scratches the opponent with its fingers, leaving behind white trails of energy. "Where it scratched" is self-evident by implication, and "of energy" is more consistent with other descriptions. 99 -> 88 = -11
The crimson part of one of Zorua's paws glows light blue and it swings its paw. A light blue crescent blade of energy is then released from its paw at the opponent. The end of one of Zorua's paws glows light blue and it swings the paw at the opponent, releasing a crescent blade of energy. "Where it scratched" is self-evident by implication, and "of energy" is more consistent with other descriptions. "The end of the paw" is more professional-sounding than "the crimson part". 164 -> 124 = -40
The tip of one of Panpour's hands glow white and it scratches the opponent with it. A white trail of energy is left behind where it scratches, or the tips of both of Panpour's hands glow white and it repeatedly scratches the opponent with them. It leaves a white trail of energy behind each time it scratches. The tips of one or both of Panpour's hands glow white and it scratches the opponent one or more times, leaving behind a white trail of energy. Two nearly-identical descriptions are completely redundant. Not gonna color code this because it was so dramatically chopped down. 309 -> 142 = -167
Axew raises its claws in the air and one of them flashes white. It then scratches the opponent repeatedly with both claws. As it scratches, it leaves behind a white trail of energy. Sometimes, its claws glow white before it scratches the opponent, or one of Axew's hands glow white and it scratches the opponent once with its claws. As it scratches, a white trail of energy is left behind it. Axew raises its claws in the air and one of them flashes white. It then scratches the opponent one or more times with both claws, leaving behind a white trail of energy. There's no need to be so wordy when the only difference between the two versions is scratching once or scratching repeatedly. Again, I can't be assed to color code this. 392 -> 169 = -223

Changes made on March 9, 2013

DoubleSlap

Original text Revised text Justification Net change
(in # of characters)
Minccino's entire tail glows white and it slaps the opponent across the face twice with it, or Minccino's entire tail glows white and it hits the opponent multiple times with it. Minccino's entire tail glows white and it slaps the opponent across the face with it twice or several times. No need to repeat the entire description when the only difference is brief and at the end. "With it" was moved to enable the "twice or several times" construction. "Several" implies more than two, and is thus more specific than "multiple". 178 -> 108 = -70
One of Gothita's arms glow white and it repeatedly slaps the opponent with them, or one of Gothita's arms glow white and it waves its arm, releasing a white ladder-like energy that comes out of its arm and repeatedly hits the opponent. One of Gothita's arms glow white and it repeatedly slaps the opponent, or one of Gothita's arms glows white and it waves its arm, releasing white waves of energy which repeatedly hit the opponent. "With them" is unnecessary; we already know Gothita is using its arms. "Ladder-like" is factually incorrect; ladder rungs don't bend the way the energy waves do. "[It] waves its arm, releasing[...]" already indicates that the energy "comes out of its arm", so there's no need to repeat that information. 235 -> 196 = -39

Ice Punch

Original text Revised text Justification Net change
(in # of characters)
Jynx's hand becomes surrounded in a blizzard. It then punches the opponent, resulting in freezing it. Jynx's hand is surrounded by a blizzard. It then punches the opponent, freezing it. Unnecessary wordiness. 101 -> 83 = -18
The dark green part on one of Abomasnow's arms glows light blue and it releases a blizzard from its hand at the opponent, or the dark green parts on both of Abomasnow's arms glow light blue and it punches the opponent with both of them. One of Abomasnow's forearms glows light blue and it releases a blizzard from its hand at the opponent, or both of Abomasnow's forearms glow light blue and it punches the opponent with both of them. This is almost as specific and considerably shorter and more understandable. 236 -> 197 = -39
Buizel's fist glows light blue and a light blue stream of energy spins around it. Buizel then punches the opponent, freezing it. Buizel's fist glows light blue and a stream of energy of the same color spins around it. Buizel then punches the opponent, freezing it. Repetition almost always sounds bad, especially when the instances are close together. 128 -> 135 = +7
Electivire pulls back one of its fists and swirling white energy forms around it and forms into a light blue energy that surrounds Electivire's fist. It then punches the opponent with the fist, causing it to freeze. Electivire pulls back one of its fists, which is surrounded by swirling energy which changes from white to light blue. It then punches the opponent, freezing it. The repetition of "fists AND energy AND energy THAT fist" is alleviated by clauses with "which". Looking back at the episode, the shift from white to light blue is subtle and immediate, which the previous iteration didn't capture because of its clunkiness. There's no such thing as a punch without a fist, so "with the fist" is completely unnecessary. "Freezing it" is more terse and sounds more active. 215 -> 161 = -54
Beartic pulls back both of its fists and swirling white energy forms around it and forms into a light blue energy that surrounds Beartic's fists. It then punches the opponent with the fists, causing it to freeze. Beartic pulls back both of its fists, which are surrounded by swirling energy which changes from white to light blue. It then punches the opponent, freezing it. Didn't bother to color code these because they're literally, character-for-character, the exact changes I made to Electivire (aside from plurality agreement). 212 -> 160 = -52
[Something] becomes surrounded in [something] [Something] is surrounded by [something] Unnecessary wordiness. [Change made in several descriptions throughout the page.] -5 per instance

ThunderPunch

Original text Revised text Justification Net change
(in # of characters)
One of Electivire's fist becomes surrounded in yellow electricity and it punches the opponent, or one or both of Electivire's fists glow yellow with electricity and yellow sparks surround it. It then punches the opponent. One or both of Electivire's fists is surrounded by yellow electricity, which may be accompanied by yellow sparks. It then punches the opponent. No need to repeat what is basically the same description when only a couple of small details differ. 221 -> 143 = -78
One of Mr. Mime's hands becomes surrounded in yellow static. Then, it puts its hand in a fist and it glows yellow with electricity. Mr. Mime then pulls its fist back and punches the opponent. One of Mr. Mime's hands glows yellow with static electricity as it makes a fist. It then pulls its fist back and punches the opponent. Unnecessary wordiness. 193 -> 134 = -59
Infernape's fist becomes surrounded by yellow sparks of electricity. Then, its fist becomes surrounded by yellow electricity and it punches the opponent. Infernape's fist is surrounded by yellow sparks, which grow into a ball of electrical energy. Infernape then punches the opponent. By removing the repetition, I was able to add an extra detail that made the description clearer and more accurate. Syntax changes made the repetition of "Infernape" necessary for clarity. 153 -> 130 = -23
One of Dusknoir's fists becomes surrounded by yellow electricity. Then, the electricity fades, and its fist glows yellow with electricity, with yellow sparks surrounding it. Dusknoir then punches the opponent with it. Electricity surrounds one of Dusknoir's fists before fading. Then, its fist glows yellow, surrounded by sparks of electricity. Dusknoir then punches the opponent. I changed the first clause to the active voice to liven up the tone and to make it easier to include the "fading" detail in the same sentence instead of awkwardly pushing it back to the next one. Rearranging and rewording the second sentence made it briefer. "With it" is unnecessary. 217 -> 162 = -47
Dragonite's fist becomes surrounded by yellow sparks of electricity. Then, its fist becomes surrounded by yellow electricity and it punches the opponent. Dragonite's fist is surrounded by yellow sparks, which grow into a ball of electrical energy. Dragonite then punches the opponent. Same as Infernape. 153 -> 130 = -23
[Something] becomes surrounded in [something] [Something] is surrounded by [something] Unnecessary wordiness. [Change made in several descriptions throughout the page.] -5 per instance